The Transformers have teamed up with the US military to hunt
down the last remaining Decepticons--several of which are hiding in China, which
sort of makes sense, since China is where the Transformer toys are all made, so
it must be like a big home coming for these guys. But, anyway, the Chinese put
out a toxic leak as a cover story--but a fat lot of good that’s done for them, because
soon the US soldiers, led by the Josh Duhamel character from the first film,
along with their Transformer allies, are battling it out with the baddies in a
full-scale war in the streets.
Meanwhile Sam Witwicky (remember him?) is off to college, but he’s leaving his
hottie girlfriend Mikaela at home because she ain’t exactly the college type,
now, is she? I mean, once they start teaching Vapid Sexy Stares 101, then
Mikaela will sign right up--but until then…well, as one of the robots in the
film accurately states about her: "You’re hot, but you’re not too bright."
Oh, but Sam still has a splinter of the Allspark Cube left in the clothes that
he wore in the first film. And, that’s real bad…for some freaking reason. I
honestly didn’t care. Seriously. While the first film was an enjoyable popcorn
lark, the second Transformers film is more like a popcorn fart.
It’s just as visually stunning as the first, with some very imaginative
CGI-created effects (such as the destruction of an aircraft carrier), but the second film is saddled with heavy exposition scenes
with these giant robots chatting away at humans, trying to explain a convoluted
back story that nobody really cares about, because everybody’s just waiting to
see the scenes where the robots bash away at each other. It makes me wonder why
Michael Bay even bothers having humans here in the first place. But then, if he
got rid of the human characters, then we wouldn’t have the teasing shots of
Megan Fox in cut off shorts. Ah, yes, there’s a method to his madness.
However, if Bay had cut the humans out of this film, then we’d also be spared
the extremely silly scenes of the blond Terminator-like chick who stalks Sam at
college (and if the Transformers can now mimic humans perfectly, allowing them
to infiltrate all levels of our society, then why don’t they just take over the
world?). And we’d also be spared the extremely lame humor, which is sometimes
flat out racist, in addition to being very crude and lewd (if this is a film
mainly for kids, then what’s with the gutter humor and excessive cursing?).
Things blow up really good in the last half hour--this is a Michael Bay film,
after all--but it’s not enough to make up for the rest of the movie, which just
lays there like a rusting Buick. At least watching a Buick rust would be more
interesting than this.
--SF
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