Teenaged Bella (Kristen Steward) moves to Forks, a small town in the Pacific
Northwest to live with her police chief father. She’s visited here several times
before for summer vacations, so she knows the area and its people. But starting
school, however, is a major problem. Bella’s coming in the middle of the school
year, when all of the little social circles and cliques have already been
established. To make matters worse, Bella’s lab partner in biology is a
smolderingly handsome hunk named Edward who--for some strange reason--can’t
stand the very sight of Bella. Meanwhile, the town’s small population gets even
smaller, thanks to an abrupt rash of "animal attacks."
Animal attacks? Oh yeah--right! But we know better, don’t we? Those so-called
"animal attacks" are in fact vampires on the prowl. Edward and his extended
"family" are also vampires, but they’re good vampires who only kill deer in the
woods (I bet the deer probably don’t think they’re all that great). If you’re a
horror fanatic who’s expecting a blood-soaked carnage-fest along the lines of
30 Days Of Night, then you should run…run for the hills
(and maybe rent The Hills Have Eyes remake while you’re at it)! Because Twilight, based on the first book in author Stephanie Meyer’s popular series of novels, is a warm and sudsy solemn soap opera about the tender love between a girl and her vampire.
In essence, Twilight is why the word "squee!" was invented by adolescent girls,
and they’ll no doubt love it, God bless them. For everybody else, the movie
plods along at an unbearable pace, as hints about Edward’s true nature are
dropped with all the subtlety of a lead weight, and our dear Bella (who’s
obviously not the brightest bulb in the pack, here) still needs to Google it
all before she finally realizes that--OMFG!--she’s…like…so TOTALLY dating a vampire! Squee! The vampires in Meyer’s world don’t have fangs, and they can move around in the daylight, provided it’s cloudy--but if they get hit by the sunlight, instead of being burnt to a crisp, their skin just glitters like a Christmas ornament.
As I said, it ain’t 30 Days Of Night--hell, it ain’t even
Lost Boys. Director Catherine Hardwicke, who made the far better Thirteen, actually
does a good, professional job in dealing with the material. It’s just that her
talents are wasted here in how she must slavishly follow the silly plotline of a
potboiler book. Yet the one moment where she still manages to knock it out of
the ballpark is the fun vampire baseball game, where a hapless Bella is
recruited to be a referee. This scene is very charming just in its sheer goofiness. If
only the rest of the movie could be just as much fun to watch.
--SF
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