Bella really has it rough, you know? She’s just turned 18 and her daddy goes and punks her about getting a gray hair, and everybody just keeps giving her gifts, and then--oh, gawd!--Alice, her vampire best friend, goes and plans a birthday party for her! And, as if that wasn’t enough, when Bella suffers a bloody paper cut, Jasper forgets his manners as a wimpy little vampire and so totally freaks out and attacks her! Can you just imagine? After preventing the stone-faced love of his life from becoming an appetizer at her own birthday party, Edward--played with customary wooden blankness by Robert Patterson--decides that it would be best if he and his happy sappy vampire clad were to abruptly leave town.
Bella suspects that Edward left because he does not want to turn her into a vampire, no matter how many times she’s nagged him about it. Apparently, Edward feels that Bella without a soul is like a jellyroll without the jelly--it just wouldn’t be that good, you know? Eventually, Edward and his clan leave town, and leave Bella behind, completely unprotected against Victoria, who’s still gunning (or should that be fanging?) for Bella since the end of the first film. Without an undead boyfriend to cling onto, whatever is a whiny little unsmiling brat to do? Why, shack up with the local werewolf, of course!
I was actually looking forward to seeing Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo because
it had been quite some time since I’ve seen a really funny movie, and this one
doesn’t disappoint. The scene where Bella insists to Edward that she wants to
come--and with Edward saying that he doesn’t want her to come--is just
screamingly funny on so many levels. This, and the fact that the airline that
takes Bella to Italy is called Virgin (very apt choice, Bella!) are among the little
funny moments that got me through this sap-fest. Then again, when you think
about it, the reason why Bella never smiles in this film is pretty
obvious: the poor girl is just frustrated.
But, to be fair, director Chris Weitz does a much better job at handling the
effects, as well as the action scenes this time out. The werewolves are
impressive looking for CGI (they’re basically really big wolves) and a vampire
fight scene in Italy has some real tension. If only the rest of the movie was as
good as these moments. Instead, we have to suffer through the long, pregnant
pauses, the lame, romance novel dialogue and a brazenly predictable plot. I
don’t mind a little soap opera mixed with horror, as long as it’s got plenty of
humor and a shot of tanginess--which is why Twilight: New Moon has got me really looking forward to the
next season of True Blood.
--SF
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